For this post I want to talk about moving forward, never living in the past. I have lived by this philosophy my entire life. I don’t look back always forward, once I am done with something I’m done with it, it’s forgotten, let me explain…
I, like many of you I’m sure, have a list of people who have fallen by the wayside. Old girlfriends, ex wives (especially)! Old friends, whether it’s due to the fact they distance themselves from you, we’ve all had these friends, usually just after they find out you have Autism. Or you have just lost touch with someone.
For me, friends only tend to come one at a time, two at the most. If I have more than that I feel I can’t cope with staying in touch and socializing with that many people, and I also get jealous if a friend wants to socialize with a different friend to me as I struggle with the rejection. This all makes having friends hard work and very draining.
As I’ve got older I’ve found with home life and work commitments, it makes it even more difficult to find time for friends and I have had no more than one friend at a time for years.
We all have people we see regularly but still don’t consider a friend, like colleagues at work or neighbours or even family, now I’ve had these, some I find OK to get along with, and some I just don’t gel with at all, so like to keep my distance as much as possible.
Now I have had such trouble with balancing friends with other commitments and dealing with my feelings when they want to hang out with someone else, plus when I do make a friend it needs to be someone who is a good listener because I can talk! They need to have similar interests or I will bore them and they will bore me.
I have had so many problems with this that I haven’t actually had a proper friend for something like fourteen or fifteen years, so much so, that my wife whom I have been with for 14 years has never known me to have a friend. But I am quite happy with the way things are and have plenty to take up my time.
A few years ago I did bump into an old friend, we had a quick catch up and exchanged numbers but he has never called me and I have never called him. Why? because the past is the past, which leads me into my current dilemma. I have two ex wives and that means I also have two ex families, and along with my philosophy of not going back. I no longer have young children, so no need to keep in touch with ex wives or ex families.
Now Juno (my daughter) is planning her wedding and even though it’s 3 years away it is impacting my life already. I am already being put into very, very uncomfortable situations. I totally understand that it’s her big day and these things take some planning, but she knows what I’m like, as such she has agreed no speeches, or at least I don’t have to give one, good girl.
However she is already talking to family and asking if they would like to come, so she can start sorting numbers and size of venue etc. I thought what this wedding was going to consist of, from my point of view was one day, she hasn’t decided yet if she is getting married here or abroad, but either way, if it’s here I thought one day.
Turn up walk her down the aisle go to the reception, a couple of drinks to keep me calm around the sea of people she was inviting, stay for the reception and slip away during the party phase… job done.
If however it was abroad I would fly in, enjoy a week-long holiday as I don’t go on holiday very much, then touch base the day before said wedding and repeat from before. just one day, down the aisle, couple of drinks, out of there and fly home, again job done.
Now due to the fact she has told me who she is inviting, I thought it only right that I mention to her something that could end up being an issue. Which was the fact that I didn’t get along with some of her guests. Now my hope was that would be that, if they came they would be on their best behaviour as would I, they would have been briefed to, not try to talk to me other than the usual pleasantries to say hello are you alright, how are you doing that kind of thing but no more.
Better still just a quick alright in passing would have done me. Now rather than this being a conversation between myself and Juno she straight away messaged the guest in question, to ask if we get along and would there be an issue that would impact her day. Now the guest in question, as you can tell I’m not going to name for obvious reasons has played it down by saying it was a silly misunderstanding years before, which it was and they had no problem with me, Juno even showed me the message, I guess to reassure me.
This would have been fine with me, everyone will be pleasant to each other if they come into contact on, or around the day. But now this person is trying to reach out and make contact and we are still three years away, now I know that maybe I’m just blowing it out of proportion and they could contact me, say hi just to set my mind at rest that three years down the road on Juno’s wedding day, everything will be fine, but as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, the past is the past.
I am in control of my life, or least I thought I was, I talk to people I want to talk to and avoid at all costs, the people who I don’t want to talk to. In situations like this I feel like I’m losing control and I know I may be making mountains out of mole hills but this is a process, one that will take me some time to get my head around, and I can’t be rushed or coerced to take any action I am not comfortable with.
For many years while Juno was growing up I had what I’ll call the “awkward years” when I constantly had to put myself in uncomfortable situations so that I could pick her up or drop her off.
For years I had to talk to my ex and deal with her on a regular basis now that Juno is all grown up I no longer have to endure this, as such my life is much calmer. I have full control and the only awkward situations I’m put in, I’ve put myself in and I can get out of these situations by just leaving, walking away, this is how I like my life, now that it is finally like this I am much happier with the way things are.
All I want is for things to continue this way for the future.
Leave the past where it belongs.